*Quick note on the photo for this post. The card and the pen are gifts for someone. I did not buy them with the intention of using them in my blog post, but I unintentionally set the pen down on the card and it seemed like fate. I knew that it spoke directly to what I have been avoiding writing about and it gave me a push to share what I have been wanting to share. So thank you, currently unknowing gift receiver, for letting me borrow your things to photograph for my blog!*
Someday a random stranger will read this blog and think, “wow what a sad sack of shit!” probably they will not be so foul-mouthed… But still. Everything I have been writing lately has had a kind of angsty vibe. I want everyone to know that this is certainly not the majority of my life. The things I write about are usually just the things that I have trouble verbalizing. Which tend to be angsty type feelings because I have no trouble at all verbalizing awesome feelings.
I also feel driven to put these somewhat negative things down for other eyes to see so that people might find it and know that they are not alone. Even the people you might consider the most successful and happiest people in the world have things going on. You shouldn’t feel weird or alone because you don’t feel satisfied with something. Even if no one in your immediate life seems to get it. Sometimes they can’t get it because compared to their life, yours looks fantastic. “Someone once told me the grass is much greener on the other side.” Who has seen As Told by Ginger? Anyone?
The point is that you are free to feel whatever way you want. You don’t have to qualify your feelings for them to be true. Which is advice I am giving you because it is advice that I have trouble taking (as I qualify my feelings to myself and you right this moment!). It is important for you to know that I have so many supportive people in my life. This post is not about other people, it is about me. I just want you to know that sometimes you are the only one keeping you down. Knowing that doesn’t automatically fix things necessarily, but the awareness may make things easier. I wrote something a while ago that I want to share now. Writing is my art form. This is a piece of my artwork.
“I am afraid. I never say it. It makes it real. If I say it out loud then my people may worry, and I don’t want that. I am probably being silly. There is nothing to be scared of anyway. That’s what I tell myself. Whether it is true or not, I cant say. Maybe it would help to talk about it even if they did take on my feelings. Even if it did help, I don’t think I would talk. For some reason it feels like something I need to work through on my own. So here I am. Today this paper will be the ear I will burden and talk things though with.
The funny thing is, talking is the issue. It has become hard for me. My entire life, ever since I was a kid this was not a problem. Now my life feels like a cacophony of secrecy. A discordant orchestra of thoughts and feelings; hidden behind the soundproof glass of my mind. There is always something I can’t or won’t speak out loud. Always some omission; some complication in the story I tell.
So, more and more I don’t tell. I still have my people. The ones I talk to about all the things. But I want to feel authentic. 100% of the time. Being an adult for me seems to mean being immersed in this orchestra. Is everyone in a situation where it is easier not to speak? Does everyone have to leave 100% authenticity behind to live among the noise while they stay silent? I want change.
I am afraid. I am afraid that I want change that may not exist. That I want to fight for something I may never see. I am afraid that I am stuck.
I know that it is ok to want change. Good even. You don’t have to be happy with where you are. And if you aren’t happy then you should fight for change. You don’t have to continue unhappily on just to avoid it. Change is not flaky. It’s not weak. It’s not irresponsible. I would say this to anyone else, so why can’t I believe it myself? I am not worried others will think I am being flaky, weak, or irresponsible. I am afraid that I will. That I will be the one to keep myself here. That I will make decisions based on what is easy instead of what I need to grow.
Others see me, but I don’t know how to see myself. I can feel myself moving. It feels slow, like a sap down the side of an injured tree, but I guess it is movement. I refuse to let myself be stuck. I think that is my first step.”
I did not write this very long ago, but just the fact that I want to share it says something of how much I have worked through. I am obviously still working through the reality of change, as I think a lot of people are in different forms. Most are afraid of change in itself; the idea that things will be different than they were and they may never go back. I, however, am afraid of change taking its sweet time coming out to play.
Just writing about it made me realize that being afraid of being stuck physically, had caused me to get stuck emotionally. I read back over my writing and thought, “what the hell am I doing to myself?” I am even stuck with this blog. I have refused to share it on any kind of social media and every time I almost do I come up with another excuse as to why. “I don’t want people at work to see it, I don’t want my family to think I am depressed, there are certain people that are going to pester me wanting to talk about what I have written.” These are usually the main ones.
There is one thought that I can’t really figure out though. “What if I share it and there is still no one reading it?” This is a strange thing for me to think. If you know me you know that in general I am very confident. I am almost never self conscious and usually when I am it comes to the front of my mind, I think about it, and it passes just as quickly as it came. Since thinking about it obviously isn’t helping this time I can think of no other solution than action.
So I am sharing this blog. Up until now I have only shared it with my very closest people because I didn’t want to take away the magic of writing it. But how ridiculous that is, since part of the reason I am writing is so people see it. Others can’t be supported by something they never read. I am going to try to take some of my own advice and this will be my first step.
Don’t be the one keeping you down. Find your way out of the noise. Find your change. Be seen.
Don’t be afraid.