I have recently been working on adulting. Maybe. I don’t know how you are supposed to do it really, but I pay bills and make my own dinner and shit like that. The other day I colored in an adult coloring book, so I think that counts. Let me be clear. I do not want to become a full adult. I am walking this weird tight rope between magic and monotony, and I don’t want to lean one too much one way or the other or I will fall.
I want to lean towards the magic. Always. I want to watch Disney movies and eat cookies; I want to be so excited on Christmas that I cannot even sleep, and run into my parents room at 6am to wake them up so we can open presents. I can lean into this as much as possible, but no matter what I will still have to pay bills, clean my apartment, and go to work. This obviously makes it impossible to fall fully back into the magic. It seems much easier to accidentally fall into the monotony. Lately I have felt like I am losing my balance.
I definitely do not want to stay where I am forever. But if I don’t want to stay then what do I want to do? Do I like living on my own? Is there some way for me to make a living and be my own boss and not live in a van down by the river?The weight feels a little too much. I have to focus so hard to keep myself from falling to the right that I cannot lean into the magic on my left. This is the first year Christmas has not felt magical for me (yes I am 25). The excitement is not there like I want it to be.
I have been trying to push past my feelings; putting them out of sight to focus on writing and other activities that entice me with their excitement. But ignoring has not made the burden any less. Even attempting to focus on the unrivaled excitement of finishing my first manuscript (more on this another time!) does not take the weight off my mind. Maybe I will find a way to let go of some of the things that have been weighing me down. Or maybe those things will get lighter with time until they float off, forgotten. In the meantime maybe I will be able to set everything down for just a couple weeks so that I can refocus on my life’s magic.